


In This Light

by Astronaut_Milky



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: 5+1, Alternate Universe - Career, Alternate Universe - Fashion & Models, Alternate Universe - Photographer, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Blow Jobs, First Kiss, First Time, Is it light?, Light Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pining, Rafael is a Photographer, Rimming, Sexual Tension, Smut, Sonny is a Model, bad timing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-16
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2019-03-05 15:51:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 16,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13391133
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Astronaut_Milky/pseuds/Astronaut_Milky
Summary: The model before him was absolutely stunning. He had worked with models in the past, and beauty was obviously a requirement for the job, but this was on another level. His twinkling blue eyes were absolutely captivating, even as they watched Rafael with youthful amusement that left him feeling exposed.





	1. The Last Time

**Author's Note:**

  * For [keraunoscopia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/keraunoscopia/gifts).



> Okay so this started as a small idea that was barely going to exceed being a drabble, and now it's evolved and I'm both so excited about that but also good day to how huge this is.
> 
> This is dedicated to keraunoscopia for literally bugging me about this every single day until I finally caffeinated myself enough to start it. I love you and your persistence, and I hope this is everything you wanted.
> 
> Many thanks to tobeconspicuous for beta-ing, and for your support with this.
> 
> If you're looking for the song that helped inspire me throughout this entire process, check out When We Were Young by Adele.
> 
> One final note, I absolutely know nothing about photography, cameras, and photoshoots, so consider me ill-equipped to be writing this 'verse, but I'm a sucker for tension so eh.
> 
> Kudos/comments are always appreciated!

**"** Olivia, I'm jet lagged, I'm tired, and my neck is killing me. This better be important,” Rafael huffed out, dumping his luggage in his living room before collapsing onto the couch. He relished in the soft cushions as he stretched out long.

 

_“Rafa trust me, you'll want to do this. A client of mine needs someone for a shoot on Friday.”_

 

He waited for her to elaborate on the specifics, but her silence told him she was holding back.

 

“What kind of shoot?” he asked, suspicious of what it would be.

 

_“... It may or may not be for a very famous, very wealthy brand of watches, and I know-”_

 

“No,” he cut her off. “Absolutely not.”

 

Her massive sigh crackled through the phone. _“Let's not do this again. You know you're going to say yes.”_

 

“The fact that you presume to know exactly what I will-”

 

_“Rafa, how much money did you actually spend living in Bulgaria for two months?”_

 

He rolled his eyes, fighting the urge to groan loudly into the phone. “That doesn't matter, half the photos have already been picked up by magazines and-”

 

_“I guarantee you that the money you get for this will pay for your next trip.”_

 

If there is one thing Rafael Barba would never do, it was admit that Olivia was right. The big companies had pockets that ran deep, and if meant spending a day comprising his artistic integrity, the payoff was almost worth it.

 

“Send the details to Carmen,” he muttered. “I'll _think_ about it.”

 

 _“Of course, Rafa.”_ He could practically hear the knowing smirk, her tone screaming victory.

 

He hung up the phone and let out the exhausted, guttural groan he had been holding back.

 

~~

 

The payoff wasn't worth it. The payoff wasn't worth it one bit. Rafael was quickly remembering exactly why he hated planned photoshoots. His personal style of photography was to capture humanity in action, in transit, where the world and life were at in the exact moment he was present.

 

This was potentially the most stale thing he had ever done, especially when he compared it to the small, snow-covered villages of Bulgaria, the unbelievably green vineyards of France, the dark caves of New Zealand, lit only by thousands of impossibly bright glow worms. No, this was the epitome of mediocrity.

 

The warehouse room was set up to be disgustingly hipster, yet somehow tinged with a farm aesthetic, with crates and hay and for some ridiculous reason, a goat. He found himself glaring at the animal as if it had murdered his whole family, and had half a mind to throw a tantrum and storm out. One look from Carmen however, had him begrudgingly continuing with triple-checking the lights.

 

When everything was set up, Carmen handed over his coffee, now lukewarm. He gulped it back anyway, checking his watch as he did.

 

“Alright, where’s this beautiful oaf I’ve got to work with?”

 

“Just in hair and makeup Mr. Barba-”

 

“We're meant to be starting now-”

 

“Hey, sorry I'm late,” an atrocious accent called out from behind. Rafael straightened his back and turned around, ready to reprimand the model for his tardiness, when he was stopped dead in his tracks. “Wardrobe took a little longer than expected.”

 

Rafael swallowed thickly, his throat dry as a bone. The model before him was absolutely _stunning_. He had worked with models in the past, and beauty was obviously a requirement for the job, but this was on another level. His twinkling blue eyes were absolutely captivating, even as they watched Rafael with youthful amusement that left him feeling exposed. He had been fitted by wardrobe in an elegant suit, one that hugged his lean lines and complimented his fair skin perfectly.

 

“That's fine,” he gritted out, tensing his whole body to avoid showing just how effected he was by the younger man. “If you could get into position so we could do some test shots-”

 

“Barba, right?” he asked, striding over to where Rafael stood, in two long steps. He thrust his hand out for Rafael to shake, which he quickly did but ensured the skin-to-skin contact didn't last too long. “Sonny Carisi. I've gotta say, I'm a huge fan of your work.”

 

Rafael cleared his throat. “The Vogue shoot? It wasn't anything spectacular-”

 

The man - Sonny - waved him off.

 

“Nah, not that shit.” His eyes widened as he realized what he had said. “Not to say your work is shit, it was fine. Good! Great, even. Nah, I meant your blog.”

 

Rafael raised a curious eyebrow. “You read that?”

 

Sonny ran his hand through the long blond locks, slightly messing up the slicked back look. Over his shoulder, Rafael spotted Carmen watching on, amused.

 

“Oh man, not to sound like a crazy fan, but I literally check it once a week for updates. The month you spent traveling through Kenya was so inspirational-”

 

“Okay, Carisi. We really do need to get started,” Rafael cut in, trusting his gut feeling that Sonny could go on for hours if he wanted to. It wasn't that he didn't appreciate being complimented, especially by gorgeous young men, but he didn't want the shoot to last any longer than it had to.

 

“Right, of course.” He stepped onto the set, scanning the layout before him. “Whose idea was the goat?”

 

Rafael had nearly forgotten that the creature was there. “Dodds. He wants to contrast the watch and your aesthetic, with the country or something.”

 

Sonny appeared to be biting back laughter, but still sat on one of the crates, attempting to position himself.

 

Rafael eyed the scene before him, and tried to figure out how he could accomplish the ridiculous request from Dodds, while still creating something he felt comfortable putting his name to.

 

An idea flashed before his eyes, and before he knew it he was holding his hand out. As if Carmen could read his mind, she instantly placed his camera into the outstretched hand.

 

Sonny was sitting spread-legged, the suit pants tightening around his thighs even more. Rafael shook his head. This wasn't the time to ogle the model. This was the time to mould him.

 

“Lean forward onto your elbows,” he instructed, raising the camera to his eye. Sonny followed his orders, those baby blues lit up perfectly by the lights. “Lift the hand with the watch, we need to see it.”

 

Sonny was surprisingly graceful in his movements, his gangly limbs clearly hiding a smooth athleticism Rafael hadn't been expecting. The shoot almost ran perfectly, or as perfect as one can with a damn goat in the room. However it didn't help that Sonny felt the need to chime in every five seconds with comments or opinions.

 

“Is that the new Sony a7R-”

 

“Yes.”

 

“I was thinking maybe I should take off the suit jacket.”

 

“Unless I say so, keep it on.”

 

“Have you considered using the Olympus OM-”

 

“Yes, Carisi. Shockingly enough, I have been doing this for quite some time.”

 

“The goat's a bit ridiculous. Am I right-”

 

“My _god,_ Carisi. Can you go five seconds without making inane and unwarranted comments?” he finally snapped. “Or do you really just love to hear the sound of your own voice?”

 

He had to commend Sonny's ability to keep his face neutral, even as the rest of the shoot passed in an awkward silence, with only murmured instructions and the click of the flash to break the quiet. Rafael felt bad, to an extent. But his desire to get the shoot over and done with outweighed his guilt. Well, mostly outweighed it.

 

~~

 

He squinted at the screen on his camera, zooming in on the final photo. Sonny looked good, the watch looked good, and although it wasn't the shoot he wanted, it would be acceptable for Dodds. He glanced to Carmen who gave him a small nod and an appraising look. He knew she would question his outburst, but he also knew a strong soy latte would keep the inquiry at bay.

 

Rafael wordlessly began to take down the softboxes, as he pointedly tried to ignore the younger man looking over the photos with Carmen. His eyes had a mind of their own however, finding Sonny against his will. He was whispering with Carmen, who giggled at whatever charming comment he made. Rafael found his heart pumping acid through his veins, and although he wouldn't even admit it under oath, he knew the feeling was envy.

 

~~

 

Rafael's studio was always a source of calming privacy. No matter how stressed or jetlagged he was, the second he stepped into the space he felt at home, even more than his actual apartment.

 

His stomach growled as he poured over the photos from the day’s shoot. Sonny truly was an exquisite being, and although Rafael had been glad the shoot had finished, a deep part of him wished he could see the man again. To explore the depths of Sonny’s form and features, to push the boundaries of what they were both capable of.

 

His headphones blared the thumping music from his phone straight into his ears, and the lamp on his desk provided a sense of warm loneliness, a feeling Rafael was all too familiar with. His back ached from being hunched over his computer, and a sharp headache pounded behind his eyes, and as he checked his watch to see how far off the food he had ordered would be, he heard a soft knock at his door.

 

 _Must be the Pad Thai,_ he thought to himself as he trudged over to the door, wallet in hand ready to pay.

 

He opened the door, only to be met with familiar blue eyes that refused to leave his thoughts. The younger man was much more casually dressed, simply wearing jeans and a white henley. His hair held no product, the long curls loosely falling behind his ears.

 

“Hey Barba,” Sonny started, lifting a plastic bag up that smelled suspiciously like Rafael's late dinner. “Delivery guy got here at the same time as me. Figured I'd bring it to you.”

 

Before Rafael could snap out of his frozen state, Sonny was barging into the space as if it was nothing. As if Rafael just let anyone into his studio. He barely allowed Carmen to come into the room, let alone strange beautiful men.

 

“Wow, amazing space,” he complimented in awe, slowly letting his eyes wander around the room. It was this that had Rafael bringing himself back to reality.

 

“Do you make a point of barging into the private spaces of all the people who photograph you? Or is this hell especially reserved for me?”

 

He could feel the snark dripping off every word, the tension in his shoulders increasing as Sonny placed the bag onto his desk, dangerously close to some of his equipment.

 

“Just for you, Barba,” he teased, flashing what Rafael was certain he thought was a charming grin.

 

“At any rate, is there a reason for this visit?” He was fully aware that he hadn't closed the door, that he hadn't allowed the courtesy of accepting this intrusion.

 

Sonny shrugged, any confidence he exuded before the question now diminished. His cheeks blushed pink and pretty, as he bit his bottom lip. Nervousness normally had Rafael rolling his eyes, but in this moment it was almost a work of art; captivating and heart-wrenching.

 

“I was kinda hoping I could shadow you. Watch your process.”

 

He sighed. “I don’t know, I only have this weekend to really work on it-”

 

“Come on Barba, it’ll be fun,” he near-begged, ducking his head to look up through his long lashes. Rafael nearly groaned at the poor attempt at puppy dog eyes, even if it happened to be working on him.

 

“Fine. First lesson. Shadows do not speak, they have no opinions,” he warned.

 

Sonny lifted his hands up, as if to show he was unarmed. “You won’t even know I’m here.”

 

Rafael rolled his eyes, but closed the door anyway. Deep down, he knew he was more than okay with the younger man being near him.

 

~~

 

Rafael had to give the model some credit. He had ordered for him to not speak, and he had managed to follow through for the most part. Occasionally he would murmur an observation or question, and although it was technically breaking the rules, Rafael found that it was actually quite insightful or helpful, and so he would respond with his thoughts.

 

Most models Rafael had known were incredibly vapid and self-serving, and if he ever went through the photos with them, they would focus on how Rafael was going to make them look perfect. Sonny was different.

 

“I like what you did with the lighting there, it really shows just how pristine the watch is.”

 

Rafael zoomed in on the area he was talking about.

 

“I think you’re giving this a lot more praise than it deserves." He glanced to the side where Sonny was sitting on a stool, now completely and utterly aware of just how close the beautiful man was. Ice blue eyes were staring at him, and once again he found himself feeling wholly exposed.

 

“You’ve done well with what you had to work with,” Sonny relented. “But we both could have done better if you had been given the freedom to follow your instinct.”

 

Rafael felt his eyebrows lift high in surprise. “And what instinct would that be?”

 

“You tell me,” Sonny shrugged simply. “What would you have done?”

 

He raked his eyes slowly and pointedly over the younger man’s form, his heart thumping slightly faster than before. An idea flashed in front of his eyes. An impossible, perfect idea.

 

“I guess…” he started. “Rather than juxtaposing the country and the city, I’d prefer to display the product as being the only thing the consumer needs. Something raw. Something…”

 

“Exposed,” Sonny finished the thought for him.

 

He nodded and swallowed, but never broke his gaze from Sonny’s eyes. He felt his tongue dart out, licking his dry lips. Sonny glanced down to the movement, tracking it.

 

“In another life,” Rafael joked, knowing full well that Dodds would never let them change the campaign.

 

Sonny’s face was a little scrunched up, as if he was running through a thousand thoughts a second. A traitorous part of Rafael was absolutely smitten by the concentration across Sonny’s face.

 

“I have an idea,” Sonny burst out suddenly, lifting himself off the stool. “How about we just mess around with your concept tonight? They don’t have to use it, it can just be for us. I just… I trust your judgement.”

 

“I don’t know, Carisi-” he started, but the words caught in his throat. Sonny had toed his shoes and socks off, grabbed the stool he had been sitting on, and stepped onto the pristine white floor of the shooting area. He waited patiently for Rafael, who felt he couldn’t move.

 

“Barba? Wanna get the camera ready?” If Rafael really wanted to believe it, he could have sworn Sonny sounded almost breathless.

 

Wordless and fluid, Rafael kept his eyes on the younger man as he stepped over to the lights already set up, slowly flicking them on. Sonny squinted at the brightness for a brief moment, but his eyes never left Rafael. The silence was thick and hot, and Rafael refused to be the one to break it. He picked up his camera off the desk, finally moving his gaze to check the settings. He spied a movement out of the corner of his eye, and assumed it was Sonny getting into position. Nothing prepared him for what he saw when he turned to start shooting.

 

Sonny had removed his top, his pale chest exposed to the elements, and Rafael fought to not stare at his nipples, hard from the cool air. He was seated on the stool as if it was nothing. As if it were totally normal to be topless.

 

“Sonny, what-” he tried to start, but the words to describe just how shocked he was weren’t coming. “What the fuck?”

 

He shrugged, and Rafael _really_ tried to not stare at the surprisingly toned muscles that tensed with the movement.

 

“You said you wanted exposed,” he simply replied, his long fingers gripping the edge of the stool.

 

He barked out a laugh at the comment. “I didn’t mean literally.”

 

Sonny gave him a curious look, as if it were Rafael that was being ridiculous.

 

“Didn’t you? You wanted the watch as being the only thing the consumer needs. You wanted raw and exposed.” Against his better judgement, Rafael stepped forward, slowly lifting the camera as Sonny spoke. “Something like this.”

 

The model lifted his arm up as Rafael brought the camera to his eye. When he looked through the glass, he nearly dropped the camera entirely. Sonny’s watch wasn’t nearly as sleek and stunning as the one they had been working with. He was wearing a damn Apple watch, the kind that Rafael normally used to decipher whether or not someone was an absolute douchebag. But in this moment, with Sonny’s slightly imperfect teeth biting on the band, his bottom lip gently grazing his wrist, his darkened eyes staring lustfully down the barrel, it had never looked hotter.

 

Every picture he took, he found himself inching closer and closer to the model, who seemed to be making it his life’s mission to eyefuck the camera with each pose. His hand remained close to his face and chest, clawing at his neck or caressing his own face, gentle yet sensual.

 

He finally lowered the camera, well-aware he was entirely in Sonny’s personal space, but almost too far gone to care. He watched as Sonny reached a lean arm out, and for a split second he thought Sonny was going grab his arm, his hand, _something._ Instead, before he could register what was happening, Sonny was holding his camera. _His_ camera.

 

“What are you doing?” he croaked out, his throat dry with desire and nerves.

 

“Let me capture you,” Sonny whispered, lifting the camera up to his face. Instantly Rafael blushed profusely and ducked his head.

 

“Don’t. I shouldn’t be in front of the camera.” He searched the ground for an escape from his embarrassment.

 

“Why not?” Sonny’s voice sounded genuinely curious. “You’re beautiful.”

 

At that, Rafael felt the smallest of smiles creep in, and he couldn’t help but lift his head up just as Sonny pressed the button, capturing the moment. Another wave of embarrassment flooded through him, but it was overshadowed with a lustful heat as Sonny lowered the camera slowly. His cheeks were perfectly red, his lips pink and inviting, and those damn eyes were sparkling and so hopeful.

 

Rafael stepped forward again, in between Sonny’s spread legs. He lifted a hand just over Sonny’s face, not touching, just hovering. The electricity was intangible but wholly present, and Rafael’s heart was pumping against his ribs, deafening and nearly painful.

 

“You’re so perfect,” he whispered, relishing in the deepening flush creeping up Sonny’s neck.

 

Sonny leaned in ever-so-slightly, his lips now breathing just over Rafael's. He swallowed nervously, letting his floating hand hover just over Sonny’s chest, scared to touch but desperate to feel.

 

“Please.” It was barely a pleading request, rather it was almost a demand, and Rafael nearly dropped to his knees then and there.

 

A loud chiming sound from his phone had both men jumping on the spot, instantly shattering the walls that held them in the moment. Rafael cleared his throat.

 

“I should check that,” he muttered, avoiding the stare of the other man.

 

He made his way over to the desk, the adrenaline of the situation still coursing through his veins. He checked his phone, only to see it was a text from Carmen.

 

_Hope you’ve had dinner Mr. Barba._

 

He couldn’t help but think she had played a part in Sonny showing up on his doorstep. At this thought, he turned to find Sonny pulling his shirt on. Part of him wanted to stride across the room and rip the offending clothing off his body, and mark the perfect skin beneath with his lips and teeth and nails. But that was overshadowed by the logical part of his brain, reminding him of just how dangerous and painful it was to get involved with young models.

 

He kept his distance as he walked Sonny to the door. The silence was heavy with unspoken desires, but when he glanced to the model, the tension in his face told Rafael that he agreed they shouldn’t acknowledge their barely-there moment.

 

However when he opened the door, Sonny didn’t step through. Instead he turned to Rafael, and opened his mouth as if he were about to speak. Rafael watched as uncertainty flashed across his face, before he settled on a decision.

 

“You should send me those photos, if you get a chance.”

 

Rafael didn’t bother confirming which ones he meant. “Sure.”

 

Sonny wordlessly crossed the threshold, though just as Rafael closed the door he could have sworn the younger man turned, ready to say something.

 

Rafael stood in front of the closed door for much longer than he should have, waiting for Sonny to knock on the door. What he wanted Sonny to do, he wasn’t sure. He didn’t know if he wanted him to gently kiss him and ask him on a date, or to tear his clothes off and fuck him against the door now separating them.

 

When the silence became too much, and his muscles ached from his frozen stance, he shook his head and tried to clear his mind of Sonny Carisi, bare-chested and on display.

 

It just wasn’t meant to be.


	2. Before I Go

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was too much. Sonny was too much. Sonny was sex, and grace, and humility, and power, and Rafael was almost addicted to the sight of him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh hey guys, welcome to a standard fic of mine, where there's tension, and dumb jokes *cough salad cough*, and angst.
> 
> Many thanks to tobeconspicuous for the beta. She's the only reason any part of this fic makes sense.
> 
> Kudos/comments are always appreciated!

Rafael had tried to say no, he had tried to use every single damn trick in the book. He pretended to have a family emergency, he ranted about his artistic integrity, he had even tried to claim that his equipment was faulty. Olivia had bought none of it.

 

_“Rafa, don't make me say it.”_

 

“Say what?” he gritted out, knowing exactly what she was going to tell him.

 

_“The money.”_

 

It was unfortunate that he had been looking into his achingly empty fridge at the time.

 

Which was how he found himself at his first planned shoot in nearly six months. He’d managed to escape whoring himself out on the fashion scene for quite some time, but now he truly needed the cash, especially if his next trip was going to be somewhat successful.

 

The only saving grace was that Dodds had given him the slightest bit more artistic freedom. The shoot was for Lucky Brand jeans, and Rafael had suggested they explore a more risque idea. An idea he hadn't quite been able to shake, although he refused to let himself delve any further down that path. He refused to let his thoughts grasp onto the memory of wide, blue eyes; of the most precious lips, wet and ready; of the most beautiful man he had ever seen. No, he would not think of Sonny Carisi.

 

The studio Dodds had hired was much larger than his own, much more open, more pristine. Rafael still longed for his own space however, even with its rustic flaws.

 

“Carmen,” he sighed, checking his phone for the time. “Where in God's name are these damn models?”

 

She shrugged. “No clue, Mr. Barba.”

 

He could hear the subtle exasperation in her tone. He had been moody and insufferable all day, as he normally was when he had to deal with these shoots. She never complained though. She knew this wasn't his passion, having spent some time with him on his travels. Still, a soft headache was brewing behind his eyes, he needed this photoshoot to be done with as soon as possible.

 

“Could you find out? We should have started ten minutes ago-”

 

“Hey, sorry guys. The hairdresser had a field day with this one.”

 

Rafael froze. His eyes widened, as he searched Carmen's face for confirmation. The shadow of a smirk playing on her lips told him it was true. He turned slowly but steadily, promising himself not to show just how shocked and excited he was.

 

He failed.

 

Sonny Carisi stood before him, looking nearly exactly the same as the last time he laid his eyes upon him. His hair was a little shorter, but still slicked back. His eyes were still unbelievably perfect. But most importantly, Rafael felt, he was once again shirtless. Shirtless with nothing but a pair of insanely flattering jeans. For a moment, Sonny was all he saw, his eyes hyper-focused onto the younger man, who seemed just as surprised to see Rafael.

 

“Sorry?” he finally breathed out.

 

“Hair ran overtime,” Sonny replied, gesturing to the person next to him. The other model. A young, beautiful brunette, with dark chocolate eyes and a wickedly sexy smile. Her brown locks were perfectly curled, running long over her chest. Her bare chest. Rafael's heart started pounding. He had forgotten what he had suggested to Dodds, that he brought forth the idea of being exposed, and displaying the product, and _god,_ Sonny was here, in front of him once again. It was too good to be true, to be real.

 

“Let's get started.” It was all he could say. All he would allow himself to say. Especially as Sonny's chest flushed slightly, and he and the woman stepped in front of the white background.

 

~~

 

It was unbearable. Absolutely unbearable.

 

Rafael had organised this shoot, had ensured it would at least partly represent his personal style. Here he stood, regretting absolutely everything.

 

Sonny was fucking exquisite. A perfect human specimen, capable of conveying so much in a single glance down the barrel.

 

It didn't matter that he had the woman's hands all over him, gripping at the edge of his jeans, pressing her naked chest against him.

 

It didn't matter that sometimes he was looking at her with pure sex in his eyes, his lips brushing her hair as he leaned in intimately.

 

None of that mattered when he lifted his eyes to the camera, to Rafael, piercing his eyes with those baby blues. For a brief moment, Rafael was able to suspend disbelief and pretend the absolute lust in his eyes, was for him and him only.

 

And then it became too much.

 

Sonny and the other model were pressed chest to chest, his long fingers pulling her hips forward by the belt loops on her jeans. He leaned forward and before Rafael could instruct the pair, or even prepare himself, Sonny's lips opened and his teeth gently bit her jaw and he looked _straight at Rafael._

 

Rafael felt his blood rush south. His mouth went dry, as the familiar heated pulse of arousal coursed through his body. He lowered the camera, handing it wordlessly over to Carmen. When she gave him a curious look, he cleared his throat.

 

“I just need a quick break,” he breathed out, avoiding the questioning eyes of all in the room, specifically the blue ones he had spent months craving.

 

~~

 

The air was surprisingly cool, even as the sun was high and bright in the sky. He was grateful for the chill however, likening it to a cold shower that he desperately needed.

 

His eyes fluttered closed as he slumped against the building wall, sagging as he let out a shuddering breath.

 

It was too much. Sonny was too much. Sonny was sex, and grace, and humility, and power, and Rafael was almost addicted to the sight of him.

 

“Barba?” That damn accent saying his name shouldn't have been so hot. “Everything alright?”

 

With a huffed breath he lifted his gaze. Sonny was, unfortunately, wearing a black shirt now, yet hadn't bothered to put shoes on.

 

“Just felt a little queasy.”

 

Sonny absolutely did not believe him, but was smart enough not to push any further. “We'll be waiting, when you're ready.”

 

As the younger man stepped back into the building, Rafael couldn't help but wonder if Sonny was just talking about the photoshoot.

 

~~

 

The shoot ran a lot smoother once Rafael employed a long-forgotten ability to compartmentalise his emotions. This was work, this was about professionalism, and this definitely was not about ogling Sonny’s chest, or his arms, or his plump lips.

 

Taking down his equipment at the end of the shoot was tedious, but an excellent distraction from how the day had gone. Carmen had finished all her duties, so Rafael muttered that she could go home. He found himself alone in the space, ready to pack his equipment away.

 

“Need a hand?”

 

He whipped around to see Sonny standing in the doorway, fully-clothed and adorably nervous.

 

“If you had offered five minutes ago you would have been of use. As it stands…” he trailed off, gesturing to the packed equipment.

 

“Need a drink?”

 

Rafael soaked in the sight of Sonny asking him for drinks. His cheeks dusted pink, his eyes sparkling with wide-eyed nerves, standing spread-legged and seemingly confident, even though Rafael could absolutely tell he wasn't.

 

“I've got to take this back to my studio,” he started, curiously taking in the disappointment that flashed across Sonny's face. “Give me half an hour?”

 

And just like that, Sonny's face lit up with joy, excitement, and just a hint of something else, something unable to be named but achingly beautiful.

 

~~

 

A warm buzz heated his cheeks beautifully, and the source was mostly the four tumblers of scotch he had thrown back like it was water. Rafael had to admit that it was partly due to the younger man sitting next to him, leaning forward with his elbows on the table, laughing heartily and drunkenly at Rafael's remarks.

 

“God, Barba. No, no it's not like that at all.”

 

“Sonny, just because you can clearly eat like you're filming the sequel to Super Size Me,” he quipped, gesturing to the plates of fries and wings that Sonny had demolished in front of him. “Doesn't mean everyone in the industry does.”

 

Once again Sonny burst out laughing, tears welling in his eyes. “Are there people who only eat salads? Yes. Is it the standard?”

 

“Yes,” Rafael answered for him, earning himself an eye roll that really shouldn't have been as endearing as it was.

 

“Well I am glad to know you have such a high opinion of models,” he teased, eyeing Rafael as he brought his beer bottle to his lips. Rafael tried hard to not track the movement, just as he _really_ tried hard to not imagine what else Sonny's lips could do. “So, can I ask a question?

 

“Something tells me you're going to anyway.”

 

Sonny smirked, blushing slightly. “Why do you do these vapid fashion shoots? You've clearly made a name for yourself as a cultural photographer, I just don't-”

 

“Money.” Simple, but the truth. “That's all it is. I used it to fund the trips I take.”

 

Sonny sipped his beer again, taking a moment to consider that.

 

“Right,” was his only response.

 

“What about you? You seem like an intelligent guy, I just- I don't really understand-”

 

“How I ended up modelling?” Rafael nodded, sipping his scotch. “Well, it started as being about the money. But you know, I kinda like it. Not so much the whole 'pose and pout’ stuff, but the composition and the techniques… it's just fascinating.”

 

Sonny wasn't meeting his gaze, instead he focused on peeling the label off his beer bottle.

 

“Sounds like you should be a photographer,” Rafael half-joked. Even though Sonny was absolutely a stunning model, he had to admit the younger man had a specific point of view on the behind-the-scenes of photography, a kind of natural mind for the art. Still, he didn't want to give Sonny an ego boost, hiding his compliment in a sarcastic tone and a fond eye roll.

 

The softness in Sonny's expression had him believe that maybe he could see through the snark, and he was met with the familiar feeling of being open, on display, for Sonny's eyes only.

 

“So I'm an intelligent guy, huh?”

 

Rafael scoffed, shaking his head. “Once you get past the accent, the lack of filter, the neverending questions-”

 

“Yeah yeah, I get the point,” Sonny said, waving the insults off.

 

“Once you get past all that… a case could be made that you're intelligent.” Sonny seemed to flourish under the barely-there compliment. “You know, for a model.”

 

Sonny smiled, a little too knowingly for Rafael to handle. So instead he ducked his head, and sipped his scotch, and prayed the darkness of the bar and the bronze tan of his skin, hid the blush creeping up his neck.

 

~~

 

The dark storm clouds above them were lit purple by the city lights as they stumbled out of the bar, giddy from alcohol and good conversation. It wasn't supposed to have been more than one or two drinks, yet they had managed to stay until last call. For Rafael, it felt like no time had passed, and he found himself wishing they had more time.

 

“I can't believe you smoked a joint under the Aurora Borealis,” Sonny laughed out, his eyebrows raised high in shock.

 

“Is that surprising, Sonny?”

 

And then Sonny stopped laughing. He stopped moving entirely, and for a second Rafael thought he stopped breathing.

 

Sonny stepped forward, a half-step, just enough to let Rafael know what he wanted. So he stepped forward also, longer and less tentative. His lips quirked into a small smile, one that was mirrored on Sonny's impossibly gorgeous face.

 

A blinding flash of light, and a deafening crack of thunder, were all the warnings they got before the heavens opened up and a torrential downpour had them soaked to the bones in seconds.

 

They both rushed underneath the cover over the entrance to the bar, laughing breathlessly.

 

Sonny had never looked so gorgeous than he did in this moment; his dark blond hair, even darker when wet. Rafael had a fleeting thought that this is what Sonny looked like stepping out of the shower each morning.

 

He wasn't sure who stepped forward first. He wasn't sure if he gripped Sonny's hips first, digging his nails in, or if Sonny cupped his jaw first, his thumbs gently rubbing his cheeks. He wasn't sure whose lips captured the others first, but he didn't care. Not one bit.

 

Those pink lips that had haunted his dreams, that had starred in so many of his fantasies, were more perfect and gentle and heartstopping than he could ever have imagined.

 

And then it was over. And Sonny was pressing their damp foreheads together, and breathing hot and heavy over Rafael's lips.

 

“I can't tell you how long I've wanted to do that,” Sonny confessed.

 

“I can imagine,” was all he could say, because he was certain Sonny had been thinking of Rafael this whole time, and it was too perfect a moment to ruin with the wrong words.

 

“Let me take you out. This Friday, wherever you want. Please.” There it was again. _Please._  Never truly a request, always a command that had Rafael's hips instantly bucking towards the younger man.

 

In lieu of an answer, he pressed his lips to Sonny's once again, eager to taste and experience Sonny.

 

A thought flashed in front of his eyes. A painful reminder of reality. He broke their kiss, even as his entire being screamed at him not to.

 

“I can't- I can't do this Friday.”

 

Sonny smirked. “Friday, Saturday, whenever. Whenever you want.”

 

He leaned in, ready to bring their lips back together, but Rafael stepped back slightly.

 

“I… Sonny, I'm heading to Europe on Thursday.”

 

Sonny swallowed, nodding, understanding. “Oh… well, maybe when you get-”

 

“Indefinitely. I haven't even booked a return flight.”

 

They were still so connected, Rafael's fingers still holding onto Sonny's hips, Sonny's hands holding Rafael's face. But the realisation of their situation was beginning to dawn on them.

 

“I don't suppose you'd be willing to hold onto this… onto us.” Rafael's heart pounded at the earnest hope in Sonny's eyes. And it broke knowing he'd have to destroy it.

 

“Sonny, there's no 'us’. We've met twice. We've had one kiss and an almost moment. I can't- I can't hold onto a maybe. And I wouldn't feel right doing that to you.”

 

Sonny nodded. He nodded, and lowered his hands from Rafael's face, leaving ice cold loneliness in their wake. Rafael held on for a little longer, but knew he had to let go.

 

“I guess…” the younger man started, staring at the rain pouring down.

 

“Yeah,” Rafael whispered, turning his gaze to the heavy droplets hitting the pavement.

 

They waited in silence for the rain to stop, and when it did, Sonny hailed a cab for Rafael. Wordlessly he opened the door for him, but wouldn't meet his eyes.

 

When Rafael dropped into the cab, he knew he had to say something. The door shut, and he wound down the window quickly.

 

“Sonny,” he called out to the retreating figure, who spun around to face him, giving Rafael what was probably the last chance to stare into those eyes. “Sonny, I…”

 

“I know,” was the last thing he heard, before the cab pulled out from the curb and drove away.


	3. This Reminds Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sonny who was sitting next to him, who was breathing the same air as him, who was talking to him with that horrendous accent that made Rafael shudder and shiver with every word.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um good day, sleep? I don't know her
> 
> So hopefully enjoy this little piece of angst on this fine day/night. I promise they stop being fools soon...ish.
> 
> As always, the only reason this makes sense it because of tobeconspicuous and her amazing beta-ing. Maggie, you're the light of my life and I am so grateful to have you helping me with this.

Rafael’s apartment felt just as it always had, foreign, yet somewhat comforting. He had been home for four hours, though three of those had been spent on the couch. He was exhausted. His muscles were aching, and even the blistering heat of the shower he had the second he dumped his bags, had done nothing to soothe the tension. So he had collapsed onto his couch, towel still wrapped loosely around his hips, silent and stationary, feeling the familiar emptiness and detachment he always experienced upon returning from his longer trips.

 

What to do now?

 

This same thought kept playing through his mind. He wasn’t the kind of person who could spend his time doing nothing. ‘Type A’ was the term Olivia had used to describe him on more than one occasion, which he both resented and took great pride in. But without an avenue to funnel his meticulous planning into, he found himself withering away. 

 

Rafael contemplated messaging Olivia or Rita, if anything for some company. But he knew what they would say.

 

_ You haven’t even been back twelve hours. _

 

_ You need to learn how to relax. _

 

_ You need more friends. _

 

Perhaps the last thought was more his own insecurities than anything else. It was true though. He needed more friends. Or at least more acquaintances, outside of the sycophantic, yet simultaneously painfully arrogant, bores of the art world.

 

A wild thought popped into his head, and for the first time in hours, he felt a surge of energy. A craving that he needed to sate immediately.

 

Before logic could catch up to his desire, he ripped clothes out of his travel bags, threw on a pair of fitted jeans and a crimson sweater over a grey shirt, and let his feet lead the way.

 

~~

 

It had been just over a year since his feet had stepped onto the sidewalk. Since he had stood in front of the bar. Nothing and everything had changed.

 

The bar’s atmosphere was still warm, and dark, and intimate. Although Rafael’s only partner tonight was his jetlag, he felt a little more alive as he took a seat at the bar.

 

Sipping the same scotch he had ordered so long ago, gave him a clarity he hadn’t been expecting. He couldn’t say exactly what had possessed him to go to the bar. Maybe some kind of emotional masochism, although he didn’t quite feel hurt or upset. He would barely even say he was filled with regret. Rather the chestnut bar top, and the burning amber liquid running down his throat, and the soulful soft music playing, sent warm fondness through his body.

 

“Of all the gin joints.”

 

His heart jumped. As much as he had denied it to himself, to Carmen when she had joined him in Germany, to Olivia over a Skype session, he had dreamt of the next time he would hear that voice. It wasn’t real. It couldn’t be real.

 

It was. Of course it was. When he scoffed slightly, and lifted his eyes to meet those haunting blue orbs that he had been certain he would never see again, he knew it was real.

 

“Of all the cliches.”

 

Sonny smirked, and huffed a laugh, and it was so light and easy and Rafael felt something he hadn’t been expecting. Regret.

 

“Mind if I sit?” Rafael nodded his permission, refusing to let his eyes leave Sonny, as if the younger man might disappear if he blinked for even half a second.

 

So they sat. Side by side, close but not too close. No part of Rafael was touching Sonny, but that somehow felt more intimate.

 

“How long have you been back?” Sonny finally asked, resting his head on a hand, his elbow firmly planted on the countertop.

 

“Just got in this morning.”

 

Sonny glanced to the drink in front of Rafael, his eyes amused and definitely not surprised. “So you just had to come here then?”

 

He still wouldn’t pull his eyes from Sonny. Sonny who was sitting next to him, who was breathing the same air as him, who was talking to him with that horrendous accent that made Rafael shudder and shiver with every word.

 

“I was feeling sentimental.” The honesty of his words, and the unwavering gaze, must have been too much for Sonny, who blushed and chose to stare at his hands. 

 

They froze in their tableau of awkward and heartstopping tension for what felt like an age, waiting for the other to break it. Rafael wasn’t quite sure what he hoped to happen. He just knew he didn’t want Sonny to leave.

 

“So, Sonny,” he finally relented, breaking the piercing gaze, though using the soft focus of his peripherals to ensure Sonny was still there. “What have you been doing for the past year?”

 

Sonny sighed gratefully, and scratched the back of his neck. Rafael truly tried not to look, but the red lines that appeared on the nape of his pale neck were captivating, and he had to stop himself from wondering how his chest might look if Rafael could dig his nails in.

 

“Well, you’ll be surprised to know that I’ve taken up a photography course,” he confessed, shyly waiting for Rafael’s approval.

 

“That’s… wow,” was all he could manage at first. A flicker of hurt flashed on Sonny’s face. “I mean, congratulations! That’s so- where at?”

 

Sonny nervously chuckled. “NYFA. I know it’s no RISD, but I’m learning a lot.”

 

“I’m sure you are.” The younger man opened his mouth, then closed it quickly. Then opened it again. “Spit it out, Sonny.”

 

“I just… I’m hoping to eventually make a career outta this, you know? But I guess… I guess I just want you to know that the only reason I’m even doing this is because of working with you. I admire your, um-”

 

Before Sonny could finish his thought, before he could continue down the path he had started, before Rafael could grab his beautiful face and speak his gratitude through the most tender of kisses, a voice called out from behind them.

 

“Dominick, there you are!”

 

A woman’s voice. A woman calling Sonny by his first name. Rafael whipped his head around so fast he was sure to have a crick in his neck tomorrow.

 

He couldn’t believe his fucking luck.

 

The gorgeous model from their last shoot, was crossing the bar over to them, all doe-eyed and young and impossibly perfect. He turned to gauge Sonny’s reaction, only to see warmth and affection in his eyes.

 

“Aria, hey. Sorry, I bumped into Rafael.” Rafael who hated the way Sonny spoke his name as he kissed Aria’s cheek. “You remember him from the shoot right?”

 

Aria turned to him, as if she hadn’t even realised he was there. “Of course, you’re basically the reason we got together.”

 

Rafael laughed, if anything to cover up just how much those words stung. Because he had no right to be bitter. He had no right to be hurt, or lash out. He had made himself clear to the both of them, and if he went back in time he wouldn’t change a damn thing.

 

“Well, that deserves a toast in itself,” he instead said, flagging down the bartender to order drinks. The fact that he already knew Sonny’s drink hurt just a bit too much, which he stamped down quickly and turned to the young woman. “What’s your poison?”

 

“Just a water. Which is what you should be having, Dominick,” she admonished. “You know we’re on a cleanse.”

 

Luckily the bartender appeared in time to cover up Rafael’s gravity-defying eye roll. Sonny ordered their waters, which arrived promptly to break the awkward silence they had been sitting in. Awkward because Aria was hell-bent on peppering Sonny’s face with kisses; because Sonny apologised with his eyes, but didn’t do a damn thing to stop it; because Rafael would have preferred nothing more than to curl into a ball and die, than witness the PDA any longer.

 

They clinked glasses, Rafael choosing to avoid eye contact by staring at the amber liquid before him. He threw the entire glass back, the burn no longer a warm comfort, but now a punishing scrape down the back of his throat.

 

“I’ll leave you be,” he croaked, instantly regretting downing the drink that way. “Goodnight.”

 

~~

 

“Hey, Barba,” Sonny called out from behind him. He had barely made it halfway down the street, but when he turned around, Sonny was jogging up to him. “Hey, sorry about that. I didn’t know you were going to be there.”

 

“You have nothing to apologise for.” He knew his tone sounded clipped, but he also knew that if he wasn’t cold and indifferent, he would crack open right there in front of Sonny.

 

Sonny faltered, appearing a little hurt. “Right. I just- right.”

 

“Anything else?” He gave it two minutes before he would be screaming, or crying, or picking his nails; before he’d be doing something to alleviate the pain he felt.

 

Sonny once again opened his mouth slightly, then shut it tight. So Rafael clenched his jaw, and turned around, ready to leave Sonny to his date.

 

“Was it worth it?”

 

The question stopped him in his tracks. He spun around, hoping to see Sonny ready to fight, or argue, just  _ something  _ to make him feel less like the villain. Instead Sonny seemed broken. Open. Ready to receive whatever Rafael would give him, be it heartbreak or hope.

 

“Was what worth it?”

 

“The trip.”

 

He knew Sonny didn’t mean the trip. He knew the question lying just beneath the surface.

 

_ Was it worth leaving me? _

 

Rafael glanced back to the bar. To where Sonny’s date was waiting for him to return.

 

“It was,” he lied, to Sonny and himself.

 

The memory of Sonny’s face crumpled in pain, haunted every single step Rafael took. He walked and walked until Sonny was far behind, but still those blue eyes stayed on his mind.


	4. All Night Long

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first thing Rafael noticed when he opened his eyes, was that he was not in his apartment. Then he noticed his aching limbs. Then, and most importantly, he noticed the warm body curled up behind him. The nose brushing against his ear, the lips pressed into his neck, the arm wrapped across his waist. How well they fit, Rafael and Sonny.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm every time I say I don't write smut, and every time I write more graphic smut than the last time. I must be stopped.
> 
> Thanks to tobeconspicuous for staying up until nearly 1am beta-ing, you're a sweet gem whom I love very much.
> 
> Also thanks to keraunoscopia for convincing me to not back out of the smut. This is obviously for you!
> 
> Kudos/comments are always appreciated!

Tommy Sullivan was a good man who did a bad thing. That’s what Rita kept telling Rafael whenever he brought up the man’s history on the way from the wedding to the reception. He was a good man who, in an act of desperation, had sold pot to the wrong socialite. A good man who, when he came to Rita and begged her not to release the paparazzi shots that fell on her desk, was so remorseful and honestly pitiful that she ensured they would never see the light of day.

 

Rafael was proud of Rita, of her surprising selfless act, though she didn’t quite appreciate it when he told her as such.

 

He had barely paid attention to the wedding. He didn’t know these people, they were sitting right up the back, and he was only here as a favour to his friend. He didn’t even bother to learn the name of the bride, certain he could glide through the reception unnoticed.

 

The champagne floating around the backyard was bitter, but free, so Rafael was more than happy to drink as much as possible, especially if he was going to handle the wild family members who seemed intent on shouting every conversation.

 

He and Rita had found a corner of the large backyard where the waiters carrying the champagne regularly passed by, but they could also bicker and gossip in peace.

 

“Rita, I can’t believe you dragged me to Staten Island on a Saturday afternoon,” he complained for what was sure to be the thousandth time.

 

“I can’t believe you agreed to come,” she smirked, sipping her glass.

 

Rafael rolled his eyes, and opened his mouth to quip back, when a raucous cheer sounded from the crowd. The bride and groom stepped onto the back patio, smiling and happy. Rafael politely clapped, and was about to quickly turn his attention back to Rita, to inform her of just how much she owed him, when he spotted something. Something totally and utterly unbelievable.

 

In the twelve months since they had last met, Sonny Carisi had managed to become even more impossibly attractive. His hair was shorter, but still had that trademark slightly slicked back look. He was somehow leaner, which only added a youthful quality to his already spry form. And then there was the suit - fitted, a deep navy, the most perfect suit for Sonny. In his hands was a camera, and as the newlyweds waved to the crowd, and kissed sweetly in front of friends and family, Sonny snapped a picture. And another, and another, changing angles to try and capture the moment perfectly.

 

Rafael couldn’t stop the smile creeping in, even if he wanted to. Just as he thought it couldn’t get any better, Sonny scanned the backyard and his eyes found Rafael’s, soft and warm. And the half-formed smile became a fully fledged grin.

 

“I didn’t think you were capable of smiling so hard,” Rita whispered close to his ear, causing him to nearly jump. He whipped his head to face her, withering glare now having replaced the warm smile from before. It didn’t deter her from invading his personal space however.

 

“Do you mind?” he hissed.

 

Rita shrugged, finally stepping back from him. “I’m not judging. He’s damn attractive, I’ll give you that. Bit young for you though, don’t you think?”

 

Rafael rolled his eyes once again, and tried to find Sonny, if anything to confirm it was actually the man he had tried to forget about. But where he had been standing before, was now an empty space, and Rafael couldn’t help but compare it to the empty place in his heart, that had remained a constant since he had walked away from Sonny.

 

He couldn’t pinpoint exactly what it was about the younger man that had him so affected and addicted. It wasn’t just his stunning good looks. It couldn’t be. Not when Rafael had found himself missing the smooth conversation that flowed easily; the playful insults that, in hindsight, was absolutely flirting; the pure, gentle fire of Sonny’s heart. Rafael missed every flaw and imperfection of Sonny Carisi.

 

~~

 

He spotted Sonny at various times throughout the night, though he never made his way over to the younger man. Instead he watched. He watched Sonny interact with the bride, who was obviously a family member. He watched Sonny carefully line his camera up, taking beautiful candids of the wedding party, of the guests, of the atmosphere. The way Sonny’s eyebrows furrowed, and how his tongue stuck slightly out, as he concentrated on getting that perfect shot, was positively breathtaking.

 

So Rafael watched, pretending to listen to Rita waffle on about whatever scandal she knew intimate details about, trying desperately to make eye contact with Sonny, if anything to distract himself from Rita’s shop talk.

 

An impromptu dance floor started in the middle of the backyard, with guests dragging the chairs and tables to the side. Suddenly guests were flocking to the space, dancing to the ridiculous 80’s music blaring through the speakers.

 

“Rafael, are you even listening?”

 

“No,” he murmured, still searching for Sonny.

 

Rita scoffed and downed the last of her champagne. “I’m going to say goodbye to Tommy and head back to reality. Will you be joining me?”

 

Rafael shook his head. “Not yet.”

 

“Be careful,” Rita warned. “The younger they are, the more they’ll break your heart.”

 

And with that, she disappeared into the crowd.

 

~~

 

Tommy and his bride were absolutely in love. Their first dance, lit by the cheap fairy lights hanging above, was a beautiful example of this. Tommy looked at his bride like she was the only person worth looking at, the only one who mattered, and Rafael’s heart swelled. He knew if Sonny would just glance at him, Rafael would look exactly the same.

 

Rafael knew Sonny was most likely still with Aria, and he accepted that. But he also knew that Sonny deserved to know just how much he missed him.

 

He watched Sonny as he drifted around the happy couple, taking photos of their dance, of their embrace, of their tender kiss. Then as people began to join in dancing, Sonny lowered the camera and looked up. And blue eyes hit green, warmth hit hope, and Rafael melted. He watched Sonny slide through the crowd, his eyes never leaving Rafael’s, until the younger man stepped in front of him.

 

“Hi,” had never sounded sweeter, than when it was being breathed out of Sonny’s lips.

 

“Hey.”

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

Rafael felt the corner of his lips quirk into a soft smile. “Rita invited me. Tommy’s boss.”

 

“Ah, the famous Rita. Tommy offered to get me a job with her, but…”

 

“Paparazzi doesn’t seem like your type of gig.”

 

Sonny chuckled. “Not in the slightest.”

 

“So,” Rafael sighed, and gestured to the camera. “You’re doing weddings instead.”

 

There was never a more beautiful sight, than when Sonny blushed under Rafael’s gaze.

 

“I am. This is more of a favour to my sister, the bride. I’m not getting paid, but it’ll go into my portfolio.”

 

“That’s good,” Rafael said earnestly. “Everyone has to start somewhere.”

 

Sonny gave him a curious, probing look. He would never get used to the way Sonny made him feel like he was under a spotlight in front of a stadium of strangers. But a part of him never wanted to get used to it.

 

“You heading back to the city tonight?” Sonny finally asked, tilting his head slightly to the side.

 

“Well I’m certainly not staying on Staten Island.”

 

Sonny laughed heartily. “Oh come on, Barba. It’s not that bad.”

 

“Clearly you’re experiencing some kind of childhood Stockholm Syndrome then, Carisi.”

 

“Oh Rafael, are you mad you’re spending your Saturday night all the way out here?”

 

Rafael smiled warmly, his heart fluttering as he spoke. “Not anymore.”

 

Sonny flushed crimson, and ducked his head to chuckle nervously at the ground. For someone so confident and sure of himself, it pleased Rafael that he could always bring the younger man down to a blushing mess.

 

“I’ve gotta get back to work,” Sonny sighed, gesturing back to the party. “But I’m going back to Manhattan tonight, if you wanna go together?”

 

In an instant, Rafael’s heart started pounding wildly. This was a little too real, a little too exposed.

 

“Carisi, I don’t-”

 

“Please?” And there it was. One word, the only word, guaranteed to ensure Rafael would do whatever Sonny said.

 

“Of course.”

 

~~

 

They both sat awkwardly in the uber back to Manhattan, keeping an arms length between them. Every so often Rafael was hit with the urge to open his mouth to say pointless words, or the desire to grab Sonny by his perfectly pressed button-up and kiss his pretty pink lips, and he had to dig his nails into the palm of his hand to stop himself. But he would allow himself the tiniest of indulgences, glancing Sonny’s way every so often. The younger man was unusually expressionless, offering no possible way for Rafael to predict what might happen.

 

Just as he concluded that they were going no further than being quiet company for the journey back, Sonny reached out wordlessly and linked their hands together. The slightest piece of affection. Rafael nearly swooned at the contact.

 

So they sat, silent but content, palms pressed together perfectly, consequences be damned.

 

And then the uber pulled over, out the front of Sonny’s apartment, and Rafael prepared himself for the most unbearable of goodbyes.

 

“Wanna see some other shoots I’ve done?” Sonny offered, finally turning his head to look at Rafael. “Behind the lense, not in front of it.”

 

Rafael squeezed his hand. “Sure.”

 

~~

 

Any pretense of looking at photos was dropped the second they stepped into Sonny’s apartment. Rafael barely had a chance to soak in the sight of the warm, homely living room, when Sonny stepped close to him, lifting a hand to his cheek.

 

“I can’t believe you’re here,” he whispered, disbelieving and full of sweet hope. “I can’t believe I get to see you again.”

 

Rafael leaned into the touch, his eyes fluttering slightly as Sonny’s hand moved to the back of his neck.

 

“I’m here,” he murmured huskily.

 

Sonny leaned down slightly, his breath hot and wanting over Rafael’s lips.

 

“Can I kiss you?” he tentatively asked.

 

Rafael reached his hands forward to the models hips, gripping them slightly as he ran his palms up to Sonny’s ribs, relishing in the muscles tensing and relaxing beneath his touch.

 

“Yes,” was all the warning he gave, before he pressed his lips to Sonny’s in a searing, desperate kiss.

 

A kiss that said I missed you.

 

I want you.

 

I need you.

 

Sonny responded instantly and wonderfully, his other hand sliding around to Rafael’s lower back, pulling him in close. Their bodies flush against each other, fitting perfectly, so much so that Rafael wondered why he had ever denied themselves this. Why he had spent so long pining over Sonny, when he could have easily had him at any time.

 

Then he remembered. He remembered why he couldn’t have him. And when he did, he pushed Sonny off instantly, ignoring the younger man’s protests.

 

“Raf, what-”

 

“Aria. You’re… you have her. You’re with her. We can’t-”

 

“Raf,” he said gently, understanding washing over his face. “We broke up ages ago. Right after I saw you. I couldn’t… I couldn’t be with her, not when I couldn’t stop thinking about someone else."

 

Relief and joy flooded his body. Sonny reached a tentative hand out to Rafael’s own, which he responded by pulling the younger man close, a surge of confidence and arousal blinding his senses.

 

“Someone else, huh?” he purred, pointedly staring at Sonny’s lips. He watched the tongue dart out, tracing Sonny’s bottom lip, and he was desperate to taste the model.

 

~~

 

Rafael wasn’t quite sure how everything had escalated so quickly.

 

One moment they were making out in Sonny’s living room, discovering each other, fully clothed and unbelievably hard.

 

The next they were naked, on top of Sonny’s clean white sheets, pressed flush against each other. With anyone else, Rafael would feel a little embarrassed, a little insecure about being so vulnerable. But with Sonny gazing up at him as he kissed his way down Rafael’s bronze skin, worshipping with his lips and tongue, he felt beautiful.

 

He stopped just above Rafael’s painfully hard cock, his body laying flat between Rafael’s legs. The sight of Sonny, slightly sweaty, his cheeks pink, his lips plump from Rafael’s own, was enough to elicit a soft groan from him.

 

“I want to taste you,” Sonny whispered, pressing a gentle kiss on the inside of Rafael’s thigh. “Please.”

 

His whole body shuddered at the word, as he nodded wildly, undone and ready for Sonny.

 

Instead, he earned himself a quick nip of Sonny’s teeth on his thigh.

 

“I need to hear you, Rafael. I need you to use your words.”

 

“Yes,” he choked out as Sonny’s fingers slowly traced his hip. “Yes, Sonny.”

 

That was all he needed before Rafael felt Sonny’s hands parting him, and his tongue was tentatively flicking at Rafael’s entrance. The softest of moans slipped his lips, and Sonny chuckled as his tongue pressed into him slightly.

 

“That’s right,” he growled. “Let me hear you.”

 

As his tongue delved further and further inside, his moans became louder and rougher, breathy and desperate.

 

“Yes, Sonny,” he panted. “So good, that’s it.”

 

And then his tongue left him, and the emptiness had him growl with frustration as propped himself up on his elbows. One pointed look from Sonny however, and he was instantly quiet. He watched hungrily as Sonny traced a gentle lick along the underside of his length, and his head lolled back, the teasing nearly overwhelming.

 

He felt Sonny’s lips and tongue work their way back up his body, his teeth nipping at one of his nipples along the way. He refused to hold back on showing Sonny just how good he made him feel, writhing and grinding and moaning underneath Sonny’s perfect body.

 

When Sonny was finally hovering his lips over Rafael’s, he smirked, clearly pleased with just how undone Rafael was. He then leaned forward, a softly bit at Rafael’s earlobe, causing his hips to buck up against Sonny, desperate to be touched.

 

“Are you ready for me?”

 

Rafael’s jaw dropped, and a shocked groan of arousal left his lips.

 

“Yes.”

 

~~

 

The first thing Rafael noticed when he opened his eyes, was that he was not in his apartment. Then he noticed his aching limbs. Then, and most importantly, he noticed the warm body curled up behind him. The nose brushing against his ear, the lips pressed into his neck, the arm wrapped across his waist. How well they fit, Rafael and Sonny. So he pushed back slightly, nuzzling his body against the younger man’s.

 

The first sign he got that Sonny was awake was a soft groan. Then an over dramatic sigh. Then the arm draped over him, pulling him impossibly closer.

 

“Mornin’,” Sonny croaked, his lips gently pressing over and over against Rafael’s neck.

 

“Morning.”

 

They laid there for a moment, when suddenly Rafael felt Sonny shift him until he was on his back, and Sonny was leaning over him. Even sleepy, with his hair still messy and wild from their passionate night, Sonny Carisi was a work of art.

 

“Mornin’,” he smiled widely, his eyes crinkling with sheer joy. Absolutely stunning.

 

“You said that already,” Rafael murmured, gently tracing his fingers along Sonny’s cheek, who pressed a sweet kiss to the inside of Rafael’s wrist.

 

“Well it’s a pretty damn good mornin’ if you ask me.”

 

Rafael opened his mouth to respond, when a ridiculous ringtone blared throughout the room. Sonny groaned, burying his face into Rafael’s neck for a brief moment. He stretched his long torso over Rafael to grab his phone.

 

“Hello?” he answered, still leaning over Rafael, who took the opportunity to tease the model. He kissed just over Sonny’s closest nipple, before swirling his tongue around it, earning a choked noise from Sonny, followed by a playfully reprimanding push back onto the bed.

 

“Yes, I remember applying.”

 

Sonny sat upright, his legs dangling off the side of the bed. Rafael quickly followed, kissing his way up Sonny’s back.

 

“You’re joking. Are you- you’re serious?”

 

Rafael stopped. Sonny sounded excited. Serious, but excited.

 

“So when would I… Next Friday? Next… okay. How long do I… sure, I can let you know by 5. Thank you so much, I really appreciate the opportunity.”

 

There was something in his voice as he hung up, in his words, that flooded Rafael’s body with disappointment. A preemptive strike by his heart, a way to attack the storm before it hit.

 

Sonny was silent, staring at the wall in front of him.

 

Rafael stroked his fingers up and down his back, waiting for Sonny to drop whatever bombshell he just received.

 

“A few months ago,” he finally spoke. “I applied for a… for a fellowship type thing. It’s with an up-and-coming travel company, kinda like Contiki. They… they want me.”

 

“That’s amazing, Sonny. Doing what?”

 

“Doing their tours, taking photos.” The news was exciting, and Rafael could tell he wanted to cheer and shout, but he was holding back. Something was holding him back.

 

“So what’s the problem?”

 

Sonny finally turned to him. “It’s a year at the very least. Travelling the world.”

 

“You should do it,” Rafael told him, a little too quickly. “This is an amazing opportunity.”

 

“Yeah, but-”

 

“Imagine how many people will see it. The places you’ll go. This is exactly the next step you need for your career.”

 

“Raf, I just-”

 

“Plus, you’ll get a break from the-”

 

“Rafael,” he nearly shouted. “Would you let me speak?”

 

He closed his mouth and nodded, a promise to be quiet.

 

Sonny sighed, and ran a hand over his face, his eyes clenched shut. Then he turned back to Rafael, placing a gentle hand on Rafael’s face. Somehow, it wasn’t quite as right as it had been in the past.

 

“If you ask me, right now-”

 

“No.” Sonny glared at him for breaking his promise.

 

“Let me say this. If you ask me, right now, I will call them back and turn them down. I will do that, I will stay here and be with you, if you would have me.”

 

Rafael clenched his jaw, if anything to stop the tears building in his eyes from spilling over.

 

“Sonny… I want you. I absolutely want you.” Once again Sonny’s eyes filled with an unbearable amount of hope, and once again Rafael’s heart broke knowing he would destroy it. “But… I could never ask you to turn down your dreams to be with me. I could never be the one to hold you back.”

 

Sonny’s hand dropped limply into his lap. He ducked his head, avoiding Rafael’s questioning, begging stare.

 

“I see,” he finally whispered. “And I don’t suppose you would want to try-”

 

“Long-distance is a fool’s game, Sonny. You aren’t that naive, you know this.”

 

Sonny nodded a little too quickly, a little too wildly, for Rafael to believe he did know this.

 

“So this is it.”

 

Rafael shrugged. “If you’re ever back in Manhattan.”

 

And that was it. Sonny refused to meet his gaze as he pulled his suit back on. He refused to speak a single word as Rafael collected his phone and wallet.

 

When Rafael reached the bedroom door, the logical part of his mind screamed at him to walk out, to spare them both the heartache of one final, knowing look. But his heart controlled his body, turning him to face the younger man.

 

“Sonny.” Those shining blue eyes lifted to meet his wet, green ones. “If it’s meant to be…”

 

The model laughed lifelessly. “Hopefully one day.”

 

Rafael indulged himself, tortured himself, by taking one final look around Sonny’s apartment. At the chestnut bookcase, filled with books on art, and law, and baseball. At the ridiculously large kitchen, oversized compared to the rest of the apartment, well-used and well-loved. At the photos on his desk. The photos he had brought Rafael up to see.

 

Exquisite photos of his family, of nature, of the New York City skyline. Sonny had a keen eye for the art of photography, and upon seeing the photos, he knew he had made the right decision. Sonny deserved the opportunity to explore his talent, without the regrets and restrictions of being with Rafael.

 

He knew he had made the right decision.

 

But that didn’t stop the sound of the front door closing behind him, splitting his heart open entirely.


	5. When You Left Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was almost too perfect. The storm was raging outside, the wind was howling, but Sonny and Rafael were curled up in front of the fireplace, watching the flames flicker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unbeta'd because I literally finished it at 1am
> 
> Hope y'all enjoy!
> 
> Kudos/comments are always appreciated!

Rafael did love snow. He really, truly did. He loved the gentle flakes floating down from the heavens; the purple sky at night lit up from the snow on the ground; being rugged up with a cup of coffee and a good book, relaxing on his couch.

 

This was different.

 

This was a snowstorm that seemed to show no signs of calming down. He hadn't planned on staying any longer at the skiing festival than he had to, but as soon as the event had finished the storm had kicked up, and he was stuck. Still, the apartment he was renting in Mayrhofen had a fireplace and an extensive book collection. Although he wasn't sure when he'd be leaving, he could at least enjoy his time, relaxing in Austria.

 

So he curled up on the large, crimson couch, his body warmed by the fire in front of him, with a glass of Cabernet and a first edition Vonnegut. A perfect contrast to the icy storm outside.

 

He was three pages in when a brisk knock at the door sounded throughout the apartment. He glanced to his watch, confused as to who would be calling so late.

 

With a dramatic groan, he lifted himself off the couch, wine still in hand, and stormed over to the door, ready to decimate the person on the other side.

 

He opened the door.

 

He opened the door and nearly dropped his wine.

 

It was the most clothed he had ever seen Sonny Carisi, bundled up in a large winter coat, a thick scarf, and a ridiculously oversized beanie covering his ears. His nose was red from the cold, his eyes sparkling, his smile so wide and genuine, and Rafael had to reach a hand out and touch Sonny's chest, just to prove that he was real.

 

“Sonny,” he breathed out, mirroring the giddy grin on the younger man’s lips.

 

“Rafael.”

 

“What are you-”

 

“Carmen emailed me. Said you were here for Snowbombing,” he explained, leaning against the door frame, so casual in the act, even as the whole situation was so not casual. “As it turns out, I was sent here too. Thought I might come find you.”

 

“Well,” he murmured, glancing to Sonny's lips. “You found me.”

 

~~

 

Even though Rafael was certain this would be their only night together, he was also desperate to take his time. To indulge himself in the unbelievable presence of Sonny. So they sat on the couch, lit only by the fire, sipping their wine and catching up on the months that had passed.

 

“So you actually did the Running of the Bulls?” he asked, not even trying to hide his shock.

 

Sonny's arm was resting comfortably along the back of the couch, his hand fiddling with the collar of Rafael's sweater.

 

“I did! I don't know how I didn't drop my camera, it was insane.”

 

Rafael had been lifting his glass to his lips, but paused as he realised what Sonny meant.

 

“You were taking photos as you ran?”

 

“Yeah, well,” he shrugged like it was nothing. “Gotta risk it all for the shot, am I right?”

 

Rafael scoffed. “Booyah, NYFA. What's next, going to be an adrenaline junkie?”

 

He was aiming for teasing, if slightly insulting, but Sonny just smiled warmly. For a split second, he thought Sonny was going to lean in. To kiss him, to let Rafael taste him once again.

 

Instead he burst out laughing.

 

“'Booyah’ Rafael? Really? Since when do you have the vocabulary of a seventh-grader?”

 

“Shut up,” he snapped, with not a hint of malice in his voice, playfully shoving Sonny. He was prepared to throw back with a witty remark, when Sonny grabbed the hand leaving his chest.

 

They froze, suspended in time, eyes piercing each other, wondering if the next step was truly possible.

 

And then Sonny moved his hand to Rafael's wrist and pulled him closer, confident as he brought his body nearly on top of Sonny.

 

“Is this okay?” the younger man asked, his accent already husky and deep, so much so that Rafael shivered at the change.

 

He nodded, licking his lips hungrily, ready for Sonny to pull him that little bit further. Instead, he felt nails dig into his wrist, the smallest of punishments.

 

“I need to hear you, Rafael. Please.”

 

This time his entire body shuddered. “Yes, it's more than okay.”

 

Sonny smirked, almost predatory, and pulled Rafael further until he was straddling the younger man’s thighs. He had a brief moment of being utterly grateful that Sonny had removed all his top layers to reveal a grey henley, one that complimented and accentuated his lean muscles.

 

Sonny's hands ran along his thighs, gripping almost too tight on his way up to Rafael's ribs. “I've missed you.”

 

Rafael pressed his forehead to Sonny's, enjoying that he was looking down to his blue eyes for once, and not looking up.

 

“I've missed you too. I haven't stopped thinking about you. I _can't_ stop thinking-”

 

“Rafael,” he cut him off, his nails digging in once again. “Tonight, can we just not think?”

 

“Yes,” he sighed, relishing in Sonny's thumbs rubbing circles on his ribs. “Yes.”

 

Sonny tilted his head up slightly, their lips almost touching. “I want to lose myself in you.”

 

He couldn't help himself. At those words he ducked his head slightly, pressing his lips desperately against Sonny's. He had missed this. He had needed this.

 

Their tongues flicked against each other, teasing and re-discovering, and Rafael would have been content to just kiss Sonny over and over again. Anything Sonny would give him tonight, he would have.

 

He felt a hand rest on the side of his face, pulling his lips away gently.

 

“Tell me what you want.” An order, a demand, one that had Rafael nuzzling into the hand stroking his cheek.

 

“Anything.”

 

That same hand moved lower, caressing the slope of his neck before tentatively wrapping around his throat. Sonny's eyebrows raised slightly, a question.

 

“You need to tell me, Rafael.”

 

His mind racked and raced trying to decide on what he wanted. And then it hit him. And a primal urge rushed through his veins.

 

“I want to take you. I want to feel you on my lips, in my mouth. I want to taste you.”

 

Sonny nodded, running his thumb up to ghost over Rafael's lips.

 

“That can be arranged.”

 

~~

 

With a few whispered orders, and careful removal of their clothes, their bodies became intertwined in the most beautiful way, lying on the rug in front of the fire. Rafael straddling Sonny's hips, moving his own ever so slightly, creating that friction that had them both moaning into their kisses.

 

“I want to feel you, Rafael,” Sonny hummed against his lips. “Please.”

 

The younger man knew exactly what he was doing, and Rafael was wrapped around his little finger.

 

His lips kissed a path down Sonny's chest, soaking in the movement of his toned pecs. He licked and sucked his way over Sonny's abs, nipping at his hips until he finally reached his prize.

 

He locked eyes with Sonny, wanting him to see every part of what he was about to do.

 

He started with a simple flick of his tongue over the slit, slow and deliberate. Sonny smirked at the contact. He let his tongue swirl around the head, teasing Sonny as much as possible. Then, without warning, he took as much of Sonny's length into his mouth, feeling the tip hit the back of his throat.

 

The surprised groans and curses slipping from Sonny's lips were downright sinful, and Rafael needed more. So he brought his lips back to the head, as if he were about to take a break and catch his breath. Once again however, he bobbed down even further, feeling his nose connect with Sonny's skin as he took everything Sonny had to give.

 

He never let his eyes move from Sonny's as he expertly sucked and licked his cock, relishing in the delicious sounds coming from the younger man. It was heavenly, addictive, and Rafael committed the moans to memory, savouring the experience of bringing Sonny to a panting, thrusting mess.

 

He watched as Sonny's hand reached behind his head, gripping his hair and tugging him off.

 

“Let me fuck you,” he panted out.

 

Rafael gave one final lick along Sonny's length.

 

“Yes.”

 

~~

 

It was almost too perfect. The storm was raging outside, the wind was howling, but Sonny and Rafael were curled up in front of the fireplace, watching the flames flicker.

 

Sonny was lying on his back, Rafael draped across his chest. He was painfully aware of the heartbeat beneath his ear, thumping still a little fast after their tryst.

 

“When do you leave?”

 

It shouldn't have hurt so much that Sonny didn't ask _if_ he was leaving. That Sonny knew this wasn't a sure thing. It shouldn't have hurt, but it did.

 

“Whenever the storm calms down.”

 

“They say it might tomorrow,” Sonny whispered against his hair.

 

Rafael nodded.

 

They laid there in silence for a while, watching the fire dwindle.

 

Sonny cleared his throat, and Rafael was gripped with an ice cold fear.

 

“Please stay. Please stay the night,” he begged, lifting his head to plead with his eyes. “The storm is wild, it could be dangerous.”

 

“More dangerous that the Running with the Bulls?”

 

Rafael smirked. “Don't make me question your intelligence even more. Stay, please. For me.”

 

He hadn't expected it to work. But Sonny lifted himself off the ground with a groan and a stretch of his long limbs, then offered a hand to Rafael.

 

“Lead the way.”

 

~~

 

The morning greeted Rafael with a near-blinding white light. The sun, peaking through the curtains. The storm was over.

 

Rafael rolled over, desperate to capture Sonny with his eyes, to add the image of Sonny lying next to him to the gallery in his mind.

 

He was met with blue eyes, watching him with a sadness that wasn't ever going to amount to tears. More an accepted state of heartache.

 

“The storm is gone.”

 

Rafael sighed as he sat up slightly, pressing a sweet kiss to Sonny's shoulder.

 

“It is.”

 

Sonny lifted his head off the pillow, avoiding Rafael's eyes as he dragged himself from the bed.

 

They were silent as they dressed. No words needed to be spoken, yet Rafael felt he needed to say everything. To say that maybe, just maybe, neither of them should leave this time. If Sonny's broken expression was anything to go by, he seemed to want Rafael to not let him go.

 

But it just wasn't their time.

 

They stood in the doorway of Rafael's apartment, Sonny leaning his head against the frame.

 

“I'm glad I got to see you again. I am.”

 

“As am I.” He had a fleeting thought that he should send Carmen a thank you present for bringing Sonny to him once again.

 

“What was it you said? 'If it's meant to be?’”

 

Rafael chuckled slightly, lifelessly.

 

He reached a hand out to Sonny's own, linking their fingers softly.

 

“Sonny… I'll be in New York again soon. I hope I see you there.”

 

The younger man bit the inside of his cheek, an action Rafael knew intimately. It was Sonny, fighting back tears.

 

“I hope so too.”

 

Perhaps it was due to him not wanting to cry in front of Rafael. Perhaps it was because if he stayed any longer, he'd do something he would regret. Rafael would never know why Sonny let his hand go, and walked away without a single glance back to him.

 

Perhaps it was for the best.


	6. Do You Still Care?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Every time Sonny's shoulder brushed against his, Rafael felt his heart seize and flutter, but he schooled his face to be as neutral as possible, just as he fought not to be the first to speak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lex, keraunoscopia, my love... This is entirely for you. 
> 
> You wanted your model Sonny, you wanted your smut, and I truly hope I was able to give you a fic worthy of being your gift.
> 
> Extra thanks for tobeconspicuous, for your unwavering support throughout this whole process.
> 
> I hope you all appreciate this final chapter.
> 
> Five times Rafael let Sonny go, and one time he couldn't.
> 
> Kudos/comments are always appreciated!

Rafael was fucking pissed. He was utterly embarrassed.

 

This bar - _their_ bar - was always a place of bittersweet comfort. A reminder of what they had, what they could have been, and how perfect they actually were.

 

So when his feet led him to the familiar bar, he wasn't sure what to expect.

 

Sonny was potentially not in the country. He was potentially not even at the bar. But Rafael's instincts had seemingly never let him down before. Some force in the world was pulling him to the establishment, just as it had pulled he and Sonny together so many other times in the past.

 

He had been hoping for some kind of perfect, happy ending.

 

But when the car had pulled up across the road from the bar, and he had stepped out onto the sidewalk, his heart stopped and pounded wildly, all at once.

 

Sonny was there. Sonny was outside the bar. It should have been perfect. But Sonny was there with an unfamiliar blonde woman, and he was leaning in, and even from across the road Rafael could see the want in Sonny's eyes.

 

He was grateful that a gentle rain had started to fall, and that the car hadn't driven away yet, as it meant he could pretend the water on his cheeks was from the raindrops and not from traitorous tears.

 

~~

 

A week later, and he still wasn't over it. He tried to be. He tried so hard to ignore the sick feeling deep in his gut, the constantly choked sensation in his throat, the weight of his sadness pushing on his chest. But the second he stopped moving, or working, he had to face the crushing thoughts playing over and over again.

 

Sonny smiling.

 

Sonny leaning in.

 

Sonny and _that woman._

 

So he didn't stop working. He locked himself in his studio, drinking way too much coffee, working way too hard, and definitely not sleeping enough.

 

Anything to ignore his own pain.

 

He found himself pouring over the same photo from the night before, cleaning up the unfortunate solar flares that just wouldn't go away.

 

As he sipped from his cold, bitter coffee, he spied his phone ringing.

 

“Carmen, for the last time, I'm not taking on any new travelling projects right now.”

 

She let out the tiniest of sighs. _“Not what I was calling about Mr. Barba. I have a delivery heading to your studio, I was just wondering if it had arrived.”_

 

He opened his mouth to respond, when a soft knock at the door signalled its arrival.

 

“I believe it's here now,” he replied, leaving his chair to answer the door.

 

Something about seeing Sonny Carisi at his studio door again, was overwhelming and humbling and calming.

 

“Carmen…” he warned.

 

_“Hope you enjoy your package, Mr. Barba.”_

 

And with that, she hung up.

 

Sonny was beaming positivity and light, and Rafael wished it didn't affect him as much. The darkness taking a hold of his heart wanted to take control, to own his thoughts.

 

“Raf,” Sonny breathed out. “You're here.”

 

“I'm sure you already knew that,” he snapped back.

 

Sonny rolled his eyes and lifted his hand up, revealing the two coffees he held.

 

“I figured it was time for your third coffee of the day.”

 

Rafael felt his nostrils flare, and he bit down on his bottom lip to avoid any smile, any indication that Sonny could still make him happy. Instead, he snatched the coffee out of his hand.

 

“Well, if that is all-”

 

“Come for a walk? Carmen mentioned you've been locked up in here for a week. You do have to see sunlight sometime.”

 

Rafael scoffed. “Don't pretend you care, Sonny.”

 

That certainly surprised the younger man.

 

“I'm sorry?”

 

“Sonny, don't play coy. You know-” he started, ready to launch a verbal attack against Sonny. But the man looked so confused, so he tried for a different tactic. “I’m not sure why you're here. Now, unless you have some kind of professional insight that I didn't ask for-”

 

“Raf, hey,” he coaxed, reaching a hand out to Rafael's shoulder, who flinched away from the contact. “I'm here. You're here. I don't understand-”

 

“I went to our- to the bar. I went looking for you, and what did I find?” The understanding and realisation seemed to slap Sonny across the face, but Rafael was not done. “You, with someone else. You may be here, Sonny, but you are not here for me.”

 

Sonny's hurt shock was not enough for Rafael to feel guilty about his outburst. But then Sonny smiled, still a little hurt, but he actually smiled.

 

“Something funny, Carisi?”

 

“Come for a walk,” he simply said, offering his hand. “I'll explain everything. Please.”

 

Rafael gritted his teeth, his neck tensing. He didn't want to do it. But his body, and his heart, had other plans.

 

Without taking Sonny's hand, he grabbed his wallet and keys, and stepped into the hallway, pointedly ignoring Sonny's amused stare.

 

~~

 

Every time Sonny's shoulder brushed against his, Rafael felt his heart seize and flutter, but he schooled his face to be as neutral as possible, just as he fought not to be the first to speak.

 

Unfortunately he had never been talented at holding back his thoughts.

 

“As much as I'm barely enjoying this stroll, I believe you owe me an explanation.”

 

Sonny glanced to him before rolling his eyes.

 

“Just thought the fresh air might calm you down,” he muttered, sipping his coffee. “Look, what you think you saw-”

 

“What I definitely saw,” Rafael corrected.

 

Sonny chuckled. “What you _think_ you saw, was my friend Amanda, drunk off her ass. She was drunk, and I was mocking the shit out of her.”

 

Rafael didn't even try to hold back the disbelieving scoff. “Yeah, right.”

 

If he hadn't been gauging Sonny's reaction out of the corner of his eye, he would have missed the annoyed scowl appearing on his face.

 

“You know what I think? I think you were looking for a reason for this to not work.” Rafael wasn't sure when they stopped walking. All he knew is, they were face to face, almost in a standoff. “Because if I was here, and you were here, then this could become something real. And I think that was terrifying for you.”

 

He could feel his jaw was slightly dropped, his eyes widened with shock, and Sonny was giving him that familiar look. The one that said he could see Rafael's truth, his soul.

 

“I… I don't think-”

 

“Let's get some food. There's a great bakery near here,” he suggested, as if he hadn't just dropped the biggest psychoanalysing bombshell on Rafael's life.

 

Still, Sonny was walking away with a little bounce in his step, and Rafael had to follow him.

 

~~

 

Rafael had always appreciated a good Polaroid camera. A remnant of his childhood years, and an aesthetically pleasing way to capture moments.

 

However, he had never been comfortable in front of the camera. And Sonny seemed intent on capturing every expression that graced Rafael's face.

 

From the bakery where they ate delicious pastries dusted with sugar, to the cab they took to Sonny's apartment, to sitting side by side on his couch. Sonny captured it all on his secondhand Polaroid.

 

“Sonny, are you going to keep taking photos of me?” he asked after what felt like the thousandth click of the camera.

 

The younger man blushed slightly, lowering the camera and his eyes. “I just want to keep a memory of you,” he confessed.

 

Rafael placed a gentle hand on Sonny's knee. “I think you have plenty now.”

 

Then Sonny lifted his eyes, so full of hope. Rafael never wanted to take that hope away again.

 

“Can I have you?” Sonny asked on a breathy whisper.

 

Rafael leaned in close, letting his lips hover just over Sonny's.

 

“You always did.”

 

~~

 

He wasn't quite sure how they had ended up here.

 

One minute they were bringing their lips together, unsure but so desperate to connect again.

 

The next he was pinned down on Sonny's bed, naked, the noon sun lighting up the bedroom beautifully, giving Rafael the opportunity to witness all of Sonny's perfection.

 

Sonny, who had that damn Polaroid camera in his hands, taking photos of an extremely embarrassed Rafael.

 

“Sonny, come on. I look-”

 

“Perfect?” Sonny offered, lowering the camera for a moment.

 

“Not what I was going to say.”

 

Sonny leaned forward, his eyes raking hungrily over Rafael's body. “I want to see you lose control. I want evidence of you giving yourself over to me.”

 

Rafael felt a wanting groan slip his lips.

 

“Okay.”

 

Sonny sat back upright, running a single hand over Rafael's chest, before two of his long fingers pinched his nipple, the most pleasurable of pain. His eyes fluttered closed, and his mouth opened slightly. _Click._

 

His eyes shot open to see Sonny holding the camera up.

 

“Sonny,” Rafael choked out as he tweaked his nipple again.

 

“You look so beautiful right now.” Sonny's voice was so cracked with desire that Rafael's hips bucked up slightly, desperate for contact.

 

He felt Sonny's hand run up his chest again, until those perfect fingers wrapped around his throat, pressing the slightest amount of pressure. He moaned a little louder, relishing in the control Sonny had over him. _Click._

 

Rafael watched the developed print slip from the camera, floating onto the bed. He felt Sonny's fingers cup his jaw as the younger man leaned down, capturing his lips in a searing kiss that Rafael moaned into, his tongue desperate to taste Sonny.

 

~~

 

Rafael had missed those perfect fingers inside him, crooking and stretching him, hitting that perfect spot that had his legs wrapping and tensing around Sonny's legs.

 

“Please, Sonny. I need you in me,” he panted, his hands blindly reaching for the younger man. _Click._ “Quit taking photos and fuck me.”

 

His eyes were clenched shut, however they opened wide the second Sonny leaned forward and bit at his nipple.

 

“Don't worry baby,” he breathed hotly over the wet skin. “I'll be inside you in a moment.”

 

To prove his point, he crooked his fingers again, hitting that sweet spot that had Rafael arching off the mattress, gasping for air. _Click._

 

Then just as quickly as the pleasure pulsed through his body, the fingers slipped out.

 

He couldn't open his eyes. He could barely breathe. It was too good, too perfect. He felt the mattress sink as Sonny moved around, positioning himself.

 

He felt the younger man press his body on top of him, his breath tickling his ear.

 

“Are you ready for me?” Sonny asked, lifting his legs up slightly.

 

“I've always been ready for you.” At his confession, Sonny groaned and buried his face into Rafael's neck, pressing open kisses to the skin.

 

“Let me capture you. Please.”

 

“Yes,” Rafael whispered.

 

He watched as Sonny leaned back onto his knees, ready to sink into Rafael.

 

The instant Sonny began to press into him, Rafael felt open, more open than he ever had been. Sonny was slow, patient, caring as he gently entered him. Rafael relaxed around him as much as possible, until Sonny was flush inside. His eyes fluttered shut. It was almost too perfect. _Click._

 

One final photo, before Sonny was chucking the camera aside and collapsing forward onto his elbows, cradling Rafael's head in his muscular arms.

 

“God, Raf, you feel so perfect.”

 

Rafael thrusted his hips up, eliciting the most beautiful of groans from his lover.

 

“I'm ready, Sonny. I need to feel you.”

 

That was all the permission Sonny needed to start thrusting, deep and deliberate. It was so unbelievably perfect, a breathtaking pleasure teetering on the precipice of pain, that had Rafael wrapping his legs around Sonny hips, and digging his nails into Sonny's chest.

 

“Fuck, Raf- god, you feel so good,” Sonny choked out, biting down on Rafael's shoulder as he pounded harder, quicker, and Rafael couldn't hold back the deep moans erupting from his throat, not even if he tried.

 

It was too much.

 

It was not enough.

 

It was everything.

 

Sonny thrusts became more erratic, pounding into Rafael, pressing his lips over and over again to his shoulder, his neck, his lips. Rafael had never felt so fucking beautiful in his life.

 

His cock was hard, leaking, desperate to be touched, but he would not ask. He knew better than that. Sonny would eventually place those skillful fingers on him, at exactly the right moment, and it would be absolutely everything he needed.

 

So he let himself be lost in the sensation of Sonny inside him. In the hands gripping his shoulders, the lips sucking and kissing his own, the hips pounding against his own. In those ice blue eyes that had haunted and captivated his thoughts for years.

 

It was almost just too perfect.

 

And then Sonny's thrusts became shallow and desperate, setting a brutal pace that had them both moaning and cursing and whispering devotions into kisses. And Sonny reached between them, wrapping his hand around Rafael's cock, matching the pace pounding inside him.

 

With a few stuttered breaths, and a raspy groan, Rafael came with Sonny's name on his lips.

 

The ecstasy of his climax was only overshadowed by the absolute perfection of Sonny's face, gasping and moaning, contorted into the most beautiful picture of bliss.

 

“Raf, I'm- I'm gonna-”

 

“Come for me, baby. Come for me,” Rafael coaxed, canting his hips to meet Sonny's own, bringing him to his own climax as the younger man pressed open, wet kisses to Rafael's lips.

 

Their movements slowly came to a standstill, however they remained connected, bodies intertwined, clinging onto each other.

 

It was too perfect.

 

It had never been so perfect.

 

There was no way it could stay this way.

 

Something had always kept them apart, forced them apart.

 

Rafael didn't want to lose Sonny again. He didn't want to wake up in the morning, alone and bitter. Just like he didn't want to wake up after a night spent with Sonny, and know that it couldn't last.

 

Rafael wanted it to last.

 

“Sonny,” he whispered, his throat dry and husky from screaming the name over and over again. “Don't go.”

 

The younger man lifted his head from Rafael's neck, a curious yet hurt look in his eyes.

 

“I'm not going anywhere.”

 

“You know what I mean. I… I don't want to lose you anymore,” he confessed, feeling the prickling of tears in his eyes. “Somehow it's always felt like we were destined to be together and apart.”

 

Sonny smiled, beamed almost. “Raf… you're so poetic after a mind-blowing orgasm.”

 

He rolled his eyes, the movement filled with affection. “I don't believe I said anything about it being mind-blowing.”

 

“Something about the way you were begging for me, tells me your mind was at least half-blown.”

 

“Can I _please_ get back to the point I was making?” Sonny bit his lip and nodded, fighting back a perfect grin. “I don't know what the world, or God, or the stars were planning when they brought you into my life. All I know is, I need you in it. Always.”

 

Sonny didn't even try to hold back a fully fledged grin this time.

 

“Always, huh?” Sonny teased. Rafael huffed out a laugh, letting the smile creeping in, grace his lips beautifully. “That I can do.”

 

Sonny leaned forward, pressing his lips to Rafael's in a soft, tender embrace.

 

“You know,” Sonny finally said after they broke apart. “I kinda always knew we'd end up here.”

 

“You did?”

 

Sonny pressed a quick kiss to his lips, and gently slipped out of him, leaving Rafael exposed and empty.

 

“Where are you going?” he questioned as Sonny stepped out of the bedroom.

 

“Just a sec!”

 

He waited for about five seconds before he shouted out again. “Sonny, I swear to god if you're leaving-”

 

The younger man returned just as he was about to threaten him, with something in his hands. A picture. Sonny collapsed onto the bed, wordlessly handing it over.

 

Rafael recognised it instantly.

 

The photo Sonny took all those years ago in his studio.

 

He looked so much younger. So shy, yet somehow arrogant. Embarrassed at being on the other side of the lense, but still happy. Happy because Sonny was there, making him feel more beautiful than he ever could have hoped.

 

“How did you-”

 

“I asked Carmen. After we… after our first time together.”

 

Rafael gripped the photo tight, still in shock.

 

“Why?”

 

“Like I said… I knew we'd end up here.”

 

Sonny had barely got the sentence out before Rafael was leaping from the bed and scrambling for his jeans.

 

“Raf, kind of an odd moment to leave me hanging.”

 

He opened his wallet. There it was. In two long strides he climbed onto the bed, straddling Sonny's hips, pressing the picture into Sonny’s hands.

 

The younger man glanced to the photo, his eyes widening.

 

“It's-”

 

“From the same shoot. Like I said, I needed you in my life, always.”

 

Rafael had finished his sentence before Sonny was wrapping his hands around the back of his head, pulling his lips down for the most sweet, passionate of kisses.

 

The world may try to tear them apart. It may try to send them to opposite sides of the world. It may throw bigger curveballs that either of them could possibly imagine.

 

But Rafael knew now.

 

He knew that Sonny was meant to be in his life.

 

He knew that he would never let Sonny Carisi go again.


End file.
